Term one exams are administered, marked, and term reports were submitted. It was time for the winter break. We chose to go to Thailand for the warmth and hopefully to regain our bearings. Well, to be honest, I was the one who lost his way. On Christmas Eve, I had a flashback that floored me. I won’t go into it here. It is enough to say that my sanity was seriously in question. It was with relief when we landed and made our way to our condo. It was warm, deliciously warm.
Things inside, have been heating up in a big way since coming to Thailand, and not just in terms of air temperature which, indeed, is a fact, a good fact. The heat has to do with ongoing issues that have surfaced because of the removal of an excuse to deny the reality of the past. It seems that the human brain doesn’t really forget trauma. What gets buried beneath layers and layers of denial, or swallowed into black holes of memory eventually makes its way to the surface if prodded enough.
Ego: Holy shit! I must be going insane! I’ve had it! Get me off this roller coaster!
Sky Clad: Take a deep breath. Again. There, that helps, doesn’t it?
Ego: Okay, I have to admit it does. I just have to say the business about taking a time out that was mentioned the last time we met hasn’t really been a time out at all. If anything, it seemed like I jumped head first into quicksand.
Sky Clad: Care to talk about it?
Ego: Where the fuck do I start? You know, I seem to say “fuck” a lot lately.
Sky Clad: Maybe that’s a good place to start. What’s that all about?
Ego: I don’t know; it just seemed to come out of nowhere, like all the shit that has been emerging while I am writing in my journal or when I try to sleep.
Sky Clad: Exactly! The swearing and the emerging memories are tied together. I think you might remember about learning to repress “swearing” as a teenager.
Ego: You know? You’re right! Just hold on a sec . . . yes here it is . . .
“I left the cell late, when Dad was finally satisfied that I had learned my lesson. He told me he would be checking my handwriting in all of my books to make sure that I wasn’t an embarrassment to the family name. I have to admit that I was furious, and that I was burning with shame inside. As I walked from the police station towards home, I stopped and went behind an old garage and began swearing. I made sure that I was hidden and that my voice couldn’t be heard. I knew that if Dad heard me swearing I would be physically regretting it for a long time. But, in spite of my fear, I swore over and over again just beneath the volume level of a whisper. And I knew, that I would have to go to confession for dishonouring, disobeying my father.”
Sky Clad: And now that the dam has broken, you don’t have to hide behind a shed, whispering swear words. Now, as you’re learning, it’s okay to express your hurt, anger and even rage. Of course, that doesn’t give permission to hurt another person.
Ego: I think I just got sidetracked, I wasn’t intending to talk about swearing, but of the more important stuff that is emerging.
Sky Clad: Whoa! It’s all important. Realizing that you have “permission” to feel is critically important. Denying your feelings, your pain, your anger, your sense of being betrayed . . . it’s all wrapped up together with the “acts” of abuse that led to the need to “fly above,” to escape the reality of what was done to your body, mind and soul. This is an important part of healing.
Ego: But this is as boring as hell for anyone reading this. They want the “juicy details.”
Sky Clad: <shaking his head> Being transparent isn’t the same as disclosing all the details. Being transparent is about uncovering and freeing the psyche. There is a difference, as you know, between flashing one’s genitals and being naturally nude. It’s all about intention. Sometimes when you’re nude, the genitals aren’t even seen. It’s the person, not the package that is what it means to be “skyclad.”
Ego: Okay. I need to rest again and think about this. I don’t have my typical energy at this point. I get tired so fast.
Sky Clad: You’re working hard and the rest is important. Go and meditate in the sunshine. I’ll be here when you are ready to talk some more.