Through a Naturist Lens

I went on a naturist hike south of town today, the first such hike this year. This was the longest clothing free hike of my life, a good eight kilometres from start to finish. I parked by the entrance to an oil well, just before a descent into the valley along a rarely used road that was more like a trail. It took me up a small hill where I then had to cross an old field before going down into the main valley before the hills on the south side.

The weather has finally warmed up enough for me to once again try outdoor naturism. We have been busy walking as much as possible as my wife is serious about going to walk the Camino de Santiago with me in the fall of 2015. There is a lot of training to do as well as ensuring that we have the right footwear and equipment.

I am also in the process of putting together a second book of poetry, one that will have photos of other naturists included with selected poems. One of the things that I am not doing is writing very much about Jungian psychology. I am hoping to have the rest of my life reach some sort of balance before I dig deep into my psyche once again.

In Playa, about the middle of January, I had a melt down because of another nudity conflict with my wife. There was almost no opportunity in Casa Verde, the building we shared with at least four other rental units, for nudity other than in the bedroom and the dining room which had become my writing centre. In my crash, I deleted the photos which I had taken which hadn’t been very many since our arrival in Mexico. I also deleted the blog site to which I had been posting. And, I didn’t revive the blog site until now with a new blog site home for Through a Naturist Lens. It didn’t stop there. I cut up my bathing suit. It was as if I was trying to erase more than just public proofs of my “flirtation” with nudity. My wife bought me two new bathing suits and I stuffed nudity into a deep, dark closet and locked it. I put on my best game face and pretended like a pro as you can see in the photo above.

When we moved to Puerto Morelos in February, because of the arrangement that had been made with KT, our landlady, about my nudity in the garden, I was able to be nude both in and out of the studio a good portion of the time. No photos were taken. The only other times I would get nude was when we were in deep enough water near the beach so that I could put my mini-brief bathing suit on my wrist. It was a small act of rebellion which crept out of the closet I had thought was forever sealed.

For the most part, life went well as I worked on the edits to my first novel, A Small Company of Pilgrims. Our neighbours from two doors down, came to stay in Puerto Morelos in March. We ended up spending a good amount of time with them. They also got to experience being in the water next to us while I was wearing my bathing suit as a wrist band. There was no secret that I was nude. This is the same couple with her being the one to visit our house when I was nude back in Canada, the one who was mentioned in a couple of posts.

Then, I began to take photos again for a new version of my blog site which like its predecessor was deleted not long after we returned to Canada. One blog post in particular was suggested by my wife, Why I am a Naturist. The blog post was shared with everyone who followed me on Facebook. The several hundred followers I had on Facebook got to see the posts which I had carefully cropped so as to not offend. My being a naturist became public knowledge for all who were following me on Facebook. By February 2nd I had 110 copies of my Naked Poetry book downloaded and 149 copies of my Broken Road story downloaded.

And then, another meltdown happened and I lost all the posts and images for the past three and a half months.

Today it is Earth Day, the first day in a new attempt to return to balance as a naturist. I took this photo in the early afternoon at the entrance to a provincial park about three-quarters of an hour from my home. It is the first saved naturist photo from 2014. I am trying to understand my habit of destroy and rebuild, over and over again. I wonder if I should belong to a form of Alcoholics Anonymous. I fell off the wagon and I am once again getting up and trying again.

Wow! Where did the time go? Well, to be honest, I did write up a number of posts since my last post. However, due to my mood swings, those posts and any photos I had taken since August have been permanently deleted. It was a deliberate attempt to salvage my relationship. I avoided being nude as if it was a fatal disease. I denied my need for nudity, something my wife didn’t believe for a moment. I didn’t tell her about my burning the evidence that would validate her beliefs. And now, I can’t continue denying it anymore as the more I avoid, deny, and destroy posts and photos, the more I deny myself.

It is a matter of days before we return to Mexico. The first month of our stay will be in Playa del Carmen with the next two months to be in Casa Sorpresas in Puerto Morelos. I am so looking forward to being warm again.

In October I finished a book that told the story of my being on the road in the summers of 1969 and 1970, a story I called, On the Broken Road to a Magical Other. I used Blurb to put the book into print form so that I could give the book to my children as it is the story of how I met their mother, my wife. The book was printed in November and I gave it to them for Christmas.

Once that book was done, I turned to an ongoing project, a poetry book that had forty poems with matching photos which were mainly naturist photos. I published that book using the Blurb software and again ordered enough copies for my children. Not all of the poems were twinned with naturist images. As I worked on the project, when it came time to select the images in the book, I got my wife’s opinion, giving her the final choice whether an image I selected stayed or was excluded.

Then, I published both books on Smashwords and made them free. After all, I don’t need the money and writing these books wasn’t about the money and potential fame. They were just works that I needed to write. The books were downloaded by the hundreds. For the first time since 1977, I felt like a legitimate author.

The time we spent at Green Haven as a couple seemed to be good for both of us. She appeared so relaxed as she showed no signs of discomfort while being nude among other people. She almost seemed to be more at ease with her nudity than a few of the women who lived at the naturist site during the summer. I took photos of her with dragonflies resting on her with her permission. Of course, the image was cropped to preserve her identity.

However, once we were back home, it all fell apart.

The image above is first nude photo that has been taken since our return from Green Haven.

From the last time we were at Green Haven, life has been problematic for me. All nude photos have been deleted from the blog site as my wife is worried about our children and grandchildren seeing the images. Nudity has been a divisive element that has sparked storms between us ever since Green Haven. My fears about what that experience would do to our relationship appeared to be validated.

Then, following our visit with S. in Cranbrook, British Columbia, the day after my birthday, Suzanne. disclosed that she was a naturist to both of us. Our trip was mainly about visiting family on the west coast and the stop in Cranbrook was about renewing our friendship with S. It seems that S. had been reading my naturist blog posts and felt it was safe to talk about it to us. My wife knows about the blog site as she has read it as well at times, though not regularly. There are secrets about others we realise that we will likely never know.

Suzanne has come out of the closet as a naturist because she felt safe talking with us. My wife’s friendship with S. has not been diminished because of it. It was something neither of us would have expected to hear. I think hearing this has changed my wife’s response to my nudity and my needs. She has agreed to go with me for a second visit to Green Haven in a few days. Again, it is time for me to hold the tension – uncomfortably.

I’m at home, alone. Lately, I have been taking more time outdoors while at home to be nude. But only when I am alone at home. I don’t want to have my wife panic about me being seen by any of our neighbours or by the rare passerby who walks or cycles down the back lane. There is no question that I am a challenge for her. If it wasn’t for the love we share for each other, she would have run away screaming.

She has agreed to go with me to Green Haven in a few days. I am both thrilled by the possibility that things are shifting so that naturism becomes a “we” thing, and by the dread that the experience will be the opposite, that seeing me in a public setting with others not wearing clothing, would pull us apart.

So far at home, there has been acceptance until it all becomes too much, and then there is a pulling away on my part to make it easier and better for her and me. I make vows to restrict my nudity to behind the closed door of my office where I write. Our relationship is more important than anything else to me, even more important than breathing. As a result, there is a tension in the air for both of us.

I have to hold the tension, as the expression goes in Jungian psychology, in order to see what emerges on its own without being forced by the ego.

I have been awake since about 4:45 this morning. I am not tired and the early morning light made it impossible to go back to sleep. After taking some time to wash up I spent a good session in meditation before having a half cup of coffee and a piece of baguette with peanut butter and banana. The sky is clear and the forecast is for a decent day, something I am looking forward to. I am surprised at how well I am sleeping even though the bed is too soft and not all that comfortable. I guess being at peace has a lot to do with it. The idea of spending almost all day outside to walk, read, write and even have chats with people while being clothes free gives me an uplifting feeling and makes me smile both inside and out.

Simply being in the sunshine, naked, does so much to settle me down, to force me to look at life with a better mood.  It feels as if I have all the world giving me gifts for my healing. At times, I even forget that I have been carrying so much broken pieces around that I call my life, my identity.

I sense that this is what I have been waiting for, this is what is the path back to being fully alive and present in the physical realm of living. This is me, nothing hidden, hopeful and filled with positive expectation. I don’t have a clue where I am headed with all of this. I am simply trusting that this is where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to do as the next days, weeks and years unfold in front of me. I have given up trying to call all the shots, given up trying to control life and people around me.

And now, a few words from Moore to say better what I am learning:

“Finally, and this may be the most difficult task of all, give yourself what you need at the deepest level. Care rather than cure. Organize your life to support the process. You are incubating your soul, not living a heroic adventure. Arrange life accordingly. Tone it down. Get what comforts you can, but don’t move against the process. Concentrate, reflect, think, and talk about your situation seriously with trusted friends.” [p. xx]

It is 10:30 and I am at Tim Horton’s in Fort Qu’Appelle where I have begun today’s post. I got a small bit of grocery shopping completed at the grocery store across the road from the coffee shop and will soon be making the last leg to Green Haven shortly. With any luck, I will be on site and nude by noon.

The WiFi service at Green Haven is very weak. Since there is free WiFi at Tim Horton’s and I had to buy groceries anyway, I decided it was a good time to write up this post and send it to you.

I arrived at Green Haven at noon for my second visit to Green Haven. Brenda and Gizmo, woman and her dog, was the first person I met while walking with the camera taking wildflower photos and site photos. With the sun out, it is beyond exhilarating to be outdoors without a care in the world and without clothing.

I have paid my fees for the three nights I will be here. I do wish that I would be here with my wife beside me, but “c’est la vie.”

We have talked about her joining me in the future, something she has said might happen following my first visit. I am hoping that it becomes a reality the next time I come to Green Haven.  If not, I feel that the likelihood of her ever joining me at any naturist site becomes very unlikely. That is an eventuality that I hope never arrives.

I got down to reading some more from Moore’s book, something that I haven’t done since I left Green Haven eleven days ago.

“Many people think that the point in life is to solve their problems and be happy. But happiness is a fleeting sensation, and you never get rid of your problems. Your purpose in life may to become more who you are and more engaged with the people and the life around you, to really life your life. That may sound obvious, yet many people spend their time avoiding life. They are afraid to let it flow through them, and so their vitality gets channelled into ambitions, addictions, and preoccupations that don’t give them anything worth having. A dark night may appear, paradoxically, as a way to return to living. It pares life down to its essentials and helps you get a new start.” [p. xiv-xv]

I am at a naturist campground called Green Haven Sun Club. It was my wife’s idea that I check out the place on my way back from an allergy treatment appointment. The place is about four hours from my home.

I rented a tiny camping trailer on the grounds for three days. My wife decided that this would be my retreat centre for my continued efforts of healing. She has seen how I do better when I have time for nudity, especially for nudity and sunshine. Besides, it lessened the pressure on her if I got my fill of being nude away from home where she perpetually worried that one of our neighbours might see me nude and thus shun her as a result. I never did tell her about her best friend having seen me nude in our house a number of times, never with the slightest hint of sexuality.

This is the trailer I rented. It became my home for several days. I called it my green hermitage as it was set away from the main camp area, across a lane from a row of seven permanent house trailers. Here I could be nude indoors and outdoors without having to worry as everyone at Green Haven was there because it was a naturist campsite.

On a different topic, I have been reading Thomas Moore’s book, Dark Nights of the Soul, a quasi-psychological and spiritual look at the journey of healing. I brought this book camping with me, because I am feeling more and more that this is where I am at, trying to journey through a dark period.

My driving while nude today was, in a major way, defying convention — being naughty — in a way that gives the darkest aspects of myself an outing in safety so that I don’t get into legal trouble or relationship troubles.

Being good is relative; perhaps I was being very good in terms of the healing process. I was taking a calculated risk that someone might become aware that I was nude. There was no risk that they would have seen my nakedness, but that is a different kind of risk, a different level of defiance. Allowing the shadow to appear and then reined in, was an important task for me to take. It takes away the pressure that would build up and likely have me truly do something inappropriate involving nudity in public.

Late this morning I went out again looking for early spring crocuses. I do this most years when we are home. When I got to a likely looking place, I again risked being nude while searching for the delicate flowers. The hill was at the junction of two country roads with a third road just on the opposite side of the hill – yes, I wandered all of it. There was also a railroad line very, very near the spot. It was the first time I risked being seen in this more open location in the countryside.

I kept my eyes and ears on alert as I wandered, ready to avoid notice should a farm vehicle appear. Thankfully, no one came by and I found the pale purple treasures I was seeking. I spent more time than I had intended on spending on the small hillside. I just couldn’t seem to have enough of the sunshine and the freedom of being bare in nature.

. . .

My fears about being at the centre of community gossip was needless. This morning the neighbour reappeared, again unexpectedly. Again my wife was at work. She came through the patio door as she had done yesterday, while I was in my computer room, writing. She didn’t call out to let me know she was there. As always when I am alone in the house, I wasn’t wearing clothes.

She came into my office, again surprising me. She stood at the door, seeing me again nude. She didn’t leave as she stood in the doorway to the room, and told me that she would honour my choice to be nude and keep it just between us. With that said, she went into the kitchen to make some tea. I then went into my bedroom to put on a pair of shorts and a tee shirt. Since it was nice out, tea would be on the deck behind the house.

I think I know why she didn’t gossip about me being nude, she is a notorious gossip in our town. It might be due to the fact that over the past eleven years we have lived in the community, I have never divulged anything that had to do with her or her husband.

With that settled, the pressure of waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop has been lifted. It still left the question of why she had come over in the first place knowing my wife was at work and I was likely in the house, nude.

It is warming up enough on the prairies for me to begin doing chores outdoors while nude, at least when there is no wind. I have a project where I am redoing a wall using pine boards. As well as the basement project, I have a few treated boards to cut for use by the garden. I do the measurements on the boards and the cutting while outside.

It is a challenge, especially for my wife as our fence is not even remotely a privacy fence. To be honest, I hadn’t even thought about the need for a privacy fence in our small town on the prairies. And, school was in session so there was no chance of any youth wandering past our yard through the back lane. The only chance of being seen was by a neighbour.

One of our neighbours has recently seen me nude. I was in the house near the patio door and it was lightly raining outside. She saw me nude and waited for a while before opening the patio door and entering. There was no covering up possible as I was unaware she was there. It was only when she began to open the door when I was aware she was there. She came for tea, a surprise as my wife was at work and I was alone in the house. She knew I would be alone.

Once she was in the house, I put on some clothes while she put on the kettle. Now, my neighbours know about me being nude. And, it had nothing to do with the lack of a privacy fence. I wonder how long before this becomes the focus of town gossip as my neighbour is famous for spreading gossip?

Even more of a concern for me, is how my wife will react with her best friend in this community reports that she saw me nude through the window.