This sitting around too much following surgery is frustrating. The first dressing has been replaced leaving only a small dressing over the belly-button. The stitches come out on Thursday. All indications are that all is progressing very well. I am eating right, avoiding lifting, and doing all the right things to help with the 4 to 6 weeks of recovery. Yet, that isn’t enough for me.
My thoughts are jumping all over the place, rarely landing on one thought long enough for some reflection. I am continuing my meditation practice, getting outside to meditate while nude, in a corner of the yard where the morning sunshine collects. It was calming and I didn’t mind the 10 degree Celsius temperature in the least. Unlike yesterday, the wind has stopped howling and is now just a gentle breeze. I will likely go for a naturist hike at some point today. Until then, I will try and regain enough focus to do some more work on my assorted writing projects.
Talking about writing, with my mood I am wondering if I am a good writer and author. Yes, I sell books at book-signing events, but that could be more about being a better salesman than an author. I don’t sell many eBooks, which might be a better indicator of my writing. It’s not that I am a terrible writer, at least in my opinion, but am I writing books that are worth the time and money being spent by others who read books? Naturally, I can’t honestly answer my own questions as I don’t have any objective distance from my works. My books don’t get many reviews, so that becomes less useful in determining the quality of my work.
Now, my mood isn’t something to worry about as I will continue to write, actually I must continue to write according to that inner voice. What is does signify is there is a need to get honest evaluations of my work from others who have objective distance – family, friends and neighbours can’t give me that objective distance. Should I take my work to the professional route of traditional publishing in order to get realistic evaluations of my books? There is a voice within that wants to be ego-gratified with being published by a major [or even minor] publishing house. Only then could I qualify for all sorts of literary prizes. However, does my ego need this? I don’t need the money, so why would I go this route and delay the publication of future books.
As you can see, my mind is giving me “static.” I have written three books of poetry and three novels with the naturist community in mind, yet it is the textile community who buy my books [with a few exceptions]. The naturist community would read my books if they were free … maybe. I somehow get the feeling that many readers in the naturist community who are voracious readers of books, somehow feel that “naturist” books are not real literature so not worth spending money to purchase. Too many questions, too many ifs. It’s time to go and have a coffee outside in the sunshine.