I’m sitting in the darkness of early morning with only my screen and a fireplace set on low flame providing the only light. Outside, a full moon makes the snow appear to glisten, while two female mule deer wander slowly down the street, stopping only metres away from the window to listen before slowly sauntering across the street to an empty lot. It’s cold outside, well sort of cold at -12 Celsius. There is a light breeze blowing making it feel like -16 C. It’s the perfect time for one’s thinking to be less than bright and cheerful. As I scroll through my social media accounts, there is little to find that inspires hope. Stress is the norm. Frantic activity becomes a weapon to beat away the shadows that threaten. All of us need to find and use strategies to channel our frustrations. Our mental and physical well-being depends upon it.
It has been a year of losses for so many of us, if not most of us. Some have lost loved ones, some have lost livelihoods, some have lost connections with others, and most have lost faith in the governments that have been elected to protect us. I am trying to put a veneer of positivity in my own life. After all, I have everything I would ever need. I have no debts. I have good health, and I have family though I can’t visit them except virtually. Covid19 did enter my world in a personal way when our middle child got the virus. She works in the medical world, a front-line worker. Thankfully, she got over it without damage though her three children and her husband lived in fear until she was cleared and able to return to working full-time with covid19 clients. She messaged me to let me know she just got the first dose of vaccine. Needless to say, it did a lot to ease the pressure in my chest.
In a few days, 2020 will come to an end. The vaccine has become the symbol of a pathway out of the darkness of 2020. Will I get the vaccine? When it is my turn, I will. I want to travel again so that I can actually see my children and grandchildren face-to-face, to hug them, and … the list is so long. Like everyone else in my network, both virtual and actual dimensions, there is a thread of hope that begins to grow as the nights begin to diminish, even if ever so slowly.
How long will it take? No one knows. We only know the now. There is no choice but to hold the tension of what is. Being present, even though it is painful in so many ways, is vital. Slipping into the dimension of the past, constantly looking at the world through a rear-view mirror only feeds depression. Escaping into thoughts of the future feeds a crippling anxiety. We have managed to get to today, and that is a major victory. The knowledge that there is a spring and summer to follow has fueled our collective psyche since humans became conscious beings, allowing us to walk through the darkness of time of year, of spirit, and relationship with others.
The full moon told me this, as did the flame that ripples in my fireplace.