I have made the decision to return to Canada as soon as possible. I won’t be teaching the second term at the university. I have contacted my psychoanalyst in Calgary so that I can begin to spend time in an intensive round of therapy. I can’t do this on my own any longer. I hate giving up with my classes and my students, but I can tell that I am in trouble.
With that decision made, I find myself able to breathe and even smile. I have been down this road in the past and know that it will enable me to return to being alive on both the inside and outside. There is so much that is being revealed to me in my dreams and in memories that are emerging. I am writing, writing a lot. The flashes of memory are being recorded. The twenty-five page document I had prepared fifteen years ago has grown with many of the holes beginning to be filled in.
The past memories are showing me that there are reasons for my being broken. It is hard for my wife as I reveal these memories, especially the ones involving my mother. I don’t want to say more now. I will let the process of analysis sort out the fact from the fiction. I don’t know when I will write here again.