This photo was obviously edited drastically. I looked for this image after putting in the quotation below and writing the first paragraph beneath the quotation. I was looking for something that could evoke a distance from objective reality, evoke fuzziness so that one can dive right into the heart of a matter rather than getting tripped up by distracting bits of the outer ego-world. In the outer world, all seems to be fairly straight forward for the most part – get up, go to work, make a living, make friends, be active, be in relationship, accumulate enough stuff so that one doesn’t feel like a pauper, enough stuff so that food, shelter and clothing are ensured for decades longer than we can possibly live. It is the inner voices that screw us up, make us question almost anything. Without those inner voices we would be somewhat satisfied, like a dog is satisfied with food, warmth and relationship and a bit of loving attention. No questions asked, no answers needed – life just is.
But as I see in this photo, I can diffuse it as much as possible and still there are things emerging that show “heat,” an energy that defies the objective reality. In noticing this, I sense that there is something at depth, beneath the surface within me that seems to be a face of “other.” That is something “numinous,” something archetypal.
“Since we cannot step back into simplicity, and cannot revive images once the energy that animated them has departed, and since we cannot afford to live ; it is certainly less affectively charged than being swept up in the awesomeness of an archetype, but it is our responsibility to become conscious of what is already true, that is, what is already at work within the individual and within history.” (Hollis, Tracking the Gods, p. 52)
After the recent adventures, it is taking me a bit of time to get back into focus and balance. yesterday was a day of aimless wandering and aimless doing while my body processed the drama. Today I am more “with it” and found myself returning to my reading. As I turned the page of Hollis’ book, I found the above text highlighted (yes, I know, it is a sacrilege to use highlighters in books) and felt the words take on more meaning for me than my previous reading. I am responsible and cannot lay the responsibility onto another, onto any belief system, any faith system. I cannot stand as a victim and give up my responsibility to any outside agency, or more importantly, give up my authority to the unconscious.
I want to look deeper into the drama that was presented as a poem here, yesterday. As I sat through and walked through the “affect” that was more than physical, I began to wonder at a deeper level. If I leave the event as a seemingly “chance” act in which I had the misfortune of being a by-standing presence, the drama has no meaning beyond simply being what it was, a shooting that essentially had nothing to do with me other than that “chance” occurrence of presence. It was what it was and no more. But, if I look beyond the thin skin of reality, something else begins to show its face; something in the depths that is about the connectedness of the universe.
What? What is there for me in those events that is asking to be noticed from the depths? What is there for me to learn? These are questions that acknowledge that life is meaningful, that all life is connected, that there is more than what meets the senses in our world. So now, I find myself trying to understand what was there for me, what was there that would help move me forward from a state of unconscious participation to consciousness?
Of course, I don’t have the answers, but I do have an opportunity to discover, to self-discover. And that, is all I can ask of my self and of the world.