Archive for September 29th, 2011
It’s another one of those days, there is a brisk breeze and the sky is murky making what little sunlight that did break through feel sticky. Most of the day saw only dreary light and an insipid outline indicating that the sun was in the sky. I had an idea for the blog post, something to do with some dream fragment of this morning, or perhaps it was a small fragment of some fantasy that briefly surfaced in a moment of unconscious idleness. But over the period of a few hours when I busied myself with teaching classes and then with reading a novel and then going for a walk to buy a few vegetables, I somehow managed to sweep away the little bit of something that could have led me to some small insight, another little hint of light in the caverns of my inner darkness. It is as if my mind worked overtime to sweep away this fragment like this groundskeeper does in our courtyard.
I have to admit that my imagination has been bringing stuff forward and that I have, for some reason been brushing away the ideas, feelings and images that have been arriving. I have been busy with dreams, so busy that I have been waking up tired. In spite of all that I know, I have stubbornly refused to deal with the dreams and the images coming out of the dreams. Early morning is private time, a good time for me to be at one with myself and whatever emerges from the night dreams. Yet, for the past few days I have focused on ignoring the dreams, reading on-line newspapers for important sports updates about teams I am not in the least interested in following; or I read about the latest in political news which somehow appears no different from the latest in political news from last week, last month of longer – avoidance, that is all I can say. I am deliberately interfering the process of allowing unconscious contents to enter into my awareness.
“Consciousness is forever interfering, helping, correcting, and negating, never leaving the psychic processes to grow in peace. It would be simple enough, if only simplicity were not the most difficult of all things. To begin with, the task consists solely in observing objectively how a fragment of fantasy develops. Nothing could be simpler, and yet right there the difficulties begin. Apparently one has no fantasy fragments – or yes, there’s one, but it is too stupid! Dozens of good reasons are brought against it. One cannot concentrate on it – it is too boring – what would come of it anyway – it is ‘nothing but’ this or that, and so on. The conscious mind raises innumerable objections, in fact it often seems bent of blotting out the spontaneous fantasy activity in spite of real insight and in spite of the firm determination to allow the psychic process to go forward without interference. Occasionally there is a veritable cramp of consciousness.” (Jung, C.W. 13, paragraph 20)
So now I am wondering why I have been consciously sabotaging my process? And in wondering I am not really being honest for I have a sense that I know why I have done so. I don’t want to know what is trying to emerge. I have an idea that it will make life a little too interesting for me, turn my life again upside down. I don’t know if I am ready for more awareness. Life is just getting to be comfortable again.
Why? Well, with new understanding, new awareness I change. I don’t know if I am ready to change. As I change there are losses, as many losses as there are gains. What will I risk this next time as I transform to another version of self? How will it impact on others around me? Can they hold to more changes in me? Yes, I know that as I transform I become a fuller person, but at what cost? And so, I battle with the unconscious, resisting the appearance of the fragments from the unconscious. I know if I let them be observed objectively, change will occur. I want to be left alone in peace . . . . . maybe.