This is another photo from my journey through IndoChina. The photos I took were a mixture of the typical scenes shown to tourists, people photos, nature photos and photos taken ‘just because.’ Of the many ‘people’ photos, of which this is one, I am surprised at the number that were of women.
And, that other is really me, that which I deny as myself, my opposite, my shadow, my soul.
“. . . she says she is drifting on a boat and doesn’t know where she’s drifting, she is no longer in control. Let it drift, on the black sea, she and you, no, there is only her, she’s not really afraid but she feels terribly empty, she wants to die, death is seductive, she wants to fall into the sea, let the black sea drown her, she needs you, the warmth of your body, even your oppressiveness gives her a sense of security, she asks if you’re aware of it, that she desperately needs! (Gao XingJian, Soul Mountain, p.129)
She is me. I want to be secure, I want you to love me, I want me to love you, I want us to be one. But, my mind only finds thin threads that connect me to you, threads of intuition, not threads of time and space and matter. So, I look outside for a surrogate you, I look into the eyes of others in hopes of finding you, finding me. Though I am standing in the sunshine, I know that you are hidden in the dark corners, in the shadows where my eyes can’t reach, where my hands cannot feel. And so I look at others, touch others, claim others, hoping that the ache is anesthetized so that I don’t feel so alone.